Putting the Boot in

Two of the happiest days of my life have been ruined by inappropriate footwear. The first time was on my honeymoon. Not in bed, I hasten to add. We Northerners admit to being sewn into our woolly vests from November to March, come what may, but when it comes to amorous dalliance we always remove our boots, and often our socks, weather permitting. The honeymoon in question was spent in the Austrian Alps, and it was on an alp that the footwear problem first arose. In those days I was a keen rock-climber and on my last holiday as a bachelor I had triumphantly led Tower Ridge on Ben Nevis. Actually I should have been second on that occasion, but my male climbing partner had what doctors call a temporary disturbance of the bowel habit as a result of over-indulgence in the Glencoe rough cider on the previous evening, and it seemed decidedly less risky to lead, even if I did have to climb above my usual standard. It scarcely seemed necessary therefore to take my climbing boots for a gentle wander around an alp or two, especially as I was anticipating frequent pauses for refreshment, flower-picking, photography, amorous dal-liance etc. in no particular order (my wife's enthusiasm for 'proper' climbing had never been marked, partly because she seems to be congenitally incapable of bringing her foot up to the level of her ear, and her enthusiasm had dwindled to zero as soon as the engagement ring was safely in place). Thus it was that on about the fourth day of our honeymoon , we thought we'd try another sport, and decided, boots or no boots, to conquer a peak or so. Now it's an unfortunate fact that Austria is thickly populated with Fat German Ramblers (FGR), whose interest in food is exceeded only by their interest in clothes. 'Manners makyth man' may be regarded as a bit of a joke in U.K., even by Wykehamists, but in Austria the old German proverb 'Kleider machen Leute' (Clothes make the man) cannot lightly be disregarded. The FGR compete with each other with regard to the size of their paunches and the magnificence of their rambling attire. The former are cultivated by regularly taking a cable car up to around 6000 ft., then walking sedately for 200 yards or so along a level grassy path to a splendid mountain restaurant, where the …